Information for Survivors of Rape and Sexual Abuse
The Healing Process
Survivors often ask: Is healing possible? The answer is YES! But remember that recovery from abuse is not something that happens overnight: It is an ongoing process, which requires courage, support and commitment. It also involves feeling a lot of pain along the way.
What are the stages of recovery? Below are some of the stages of healing often experienced by survivors. These stages are not necessarily experienced in a “one after another” way. There may be some stages missed altogether, whilst you may seem to spend a long time apparently “stuck” in another. Nevertheless the overall process remains recognisable.
The Stages
* The Decision to Heal
This happens when you recognise the effects of sexual abuse in your life and make an active decision to heal. You choose to heal and are willing to accept the changes that will go with it.
* The Emergency Stage
When you first begin to deal with your abuse you may feel that your life has been thrown into utter chaos. You may feel obsessed with abuse issues, and even feel that you are going to go crazy or kill yourself. Whilst this is an extremely distressing time it is important to remember that it is only a stage and will not go on forever - and that it is also a part of the process of healing.
* Remembering
Many survivors have spent years trying to put memories of their abuse “to the back of their mind” - so the process of healing inevitably involves an aspect of remembering both incidents and feelings. Remembering can involve memories, flashbacks, or even the physical sensations felt in your body at the time of the abuse.
* Believing It Happened
Survivors may doubt their own memory, feelings, and perceptions of the abuse. Or they may deny that it was really “that bad”. Coming to believe in the reality of the abuse and that it really hurt you is an important part of healing.
* Breaking Silence / Secrecy
Most adult survivors kept the abuse a secret in childhood. Being able to tell a trusted human being about what happened and how you feel is a powerful healing force.
* Understanding That It Wasn’t Your Fault
As a child you may have believed that the abuse was somehow your fault. An important stage of healing is placing blame where it really belongs - directly on the shoulders of the abusers.
* Getting In Touch With Your Own Vulnerability
Many survivors have lost touch with the child within themselves - their own vulnerability. Many men and women talk about “being afraid to be vulnerable”. But getting in touch with these feelings can be strength not weakness and can help survivors become more open, and to feel the full range of their feelings.
* Trusting Yourself
The best guide for healing is your own inner voice. Learning to trust your own thoughts, feelings and perceptions forms a new basis for action in your life.
* Grieving and Mourning
As children being abused, and later as adults struggling to survive, most survivors have not felt their losses, but grieving is an important way to get in touch with your pain, let go, and move on.
* Anger - The Backbone of Healing
Anger is a powerful and liberating force. Whether you need to get in touch with it, or have always had plenty to spare, directing your rage squarely at your abuser, and at those who did not protect you, is pivotal to healing.
* Forgiveness
Sometimes it is said that you have to forgive your abuser in order to heal. This is not true. It is not necessary for you to forgive the person that abused you. What it is important is self-forgiveness: That you forgive yourself for any past actions you feel ashamed of, or any negative behaviour you may have used in coping with your abuse.
* Resolution and Moving On
Resolution comes when feelings begin to stabilise and you begin to feel like a whole person. You are able to make some of the changes that you want in your life, develop positive relationships and explore your potential as a human being.
BUT REMEMBER: Healing is not about reaching a specific point in time or any one individual goal. There is no such thing as the finishing line where healing is concerned. The abuse happened and affected you deeply. That will never change. But you can, over time, reach a place of resolution where you can get on with your life.
Adapted by Sheffield Survivors from “The Courage To Heal” by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis.
Published by Mandarin Paperbacks, London. Copyright 1998 Ellen & Laura Davis.
Rape Trauma Syndrome
Rape Trauma Syndrome is very similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, however was itself identified by American researchers, Burgess and Holstrom in the 1970’s to describe what seemed to them to be a “typical” psychological response specifically to rape. This text is adapted from this model.
The Crisis Stage
This is when the person reacts to what has happened during the rape. It might be a physical reaction, behavioural, emotional or non-emotional. Any reaction that enables the survivor to cope is a valid reaction.
The Suffering Stage
This is where the survivor begins to reflect on what has happened to them. This is the stage where survivors might need additional support so they can realise what is happening to them as a result of the rape. So, for example survivors might feel:
Guilt Fear Confusion
Shame Sadness Powerlessness
Self-blame Depression
Anxiety Isolation
Anger Humiliation
They might feel unable to go out or unable to stay in. They may have a loss of trust in other people or perhaps of themselves.
The Resolution Stage
This is where the survivor learns to come to terms with and learns tl live with what has happened to them.
Throughout this process, survivors might feel a range of emotions and behaviours. Some are emotional some are not. For example, some survivors might have panic attacks, sweating and shaking when they think of their experience. Others might have flashbacks, which could be triggered by a sight, sound, situation or smell. There might be problems in relationships, sexual problems, eating or sleeping disorders. And, on top of this, the survivor needs to identify how she feels and come to terms with what has happened to her.
Myths and Facts
| Myth | A rapist is a stranger. |
Fact |
A recent report has revealed that more than eight out of 10 rapes involve an attack by someone the victim knows; for example, friend, lover, colleague, husband or ex- partner. |
Myth |
Rape only happens in dark alleys. |
Fact |
60% of women are attacked inside a building, and for 31% of women the rape occurs in their own home - the most common place of all. |
Myth |
Women get raped because they are dressed provocatively. |
Fact |
If a man decides to rape someone, it makes no difference what she is wearing. |
Myth |
Rape only happens to certain types of people. |
Fact |
Rape is perpetrated against disabled and able-bodied people, against both sexes, all classes, all races, all cultures and all ages. |
Myth |
Rapists are monster/maniacs |
Fact |
Rapists are ordinary men, many are highly respected members of the community and in 1980 in England and Wales, only 2% of convicted rapists were considered to be in need of psychiatric treatment. |
Myth |
Rape is a crime of sexual needs or uncontrollable urges. |
Fact |
Men can, and do, control their sexual urges. Rape is a crime of violence, control, degradation and intimidation - it is not about sex but about power. The vast majority of rapes are carefully planned. |
Myth |
Women say "no" but they mean "yes". |
Fact |
When women say no they mean no. Sex without consent is rape. |
Myth |
She didn’t struggle so she was not raped. |
Fact |
Most women are too afraid to struggle because of threats of violence if they make a sound. |
Myth |
Women enjoy rape. Some women ask for it. Women lead the rapist on. |
Fact |
It is handy to be able to blame the woman in this way - it lets the attackers off the hook and it helps other people to feel safe. If you believe that women are to blame when they suffer rape, then you might imagine that you can protect yourself by being careful and sensible. The truth is that an attack can take place against any woman, at any time, and in any place. Suffering rape is a traumatic violation. The victim is often afraid that her attacker will kill her. She may try to calm the rapist down by pretending that she is enjoying herself. Rape is the sole responsibility of the rapist, regardless of anything a woman may do to survive. |
Characteristics of Sexual Abuse
Child sexual abuse has a number of features that make it difficult for the child and which in turn cause problems for the adult survivor.
Duration of the Abuse
A trusted adult may abuse a child on one occasion only, but more frequently the abuse goes on for months or years (Lukianowitz 1972: Maisch 1973).
Frequency of the Abuse
The abuse may occur only once or several times a week over a number of years. Often a child experiences sexual abuse on a daily or more frequent basis.
The Identity of the Abuser
Fathers or father figures perpetrate most sexual abuse. Forward and Buck (1981) suggest that 75% of reported abuse cases involve fathers and daughters, and that 10% involve grandfathers.
Brothers, uncles and cousins or adult men who are in a position of trust with the child, for example, youth leaders, babysitters, teachers and doctors have also been identified as perpetrators (Patton 1991)
It is also estimated that approximately 5% of the abusers of girls are female (Russell 1986, Finkelhor 1986).
The Age of the Child
For most abused children the abuse starts well before puberty. Kempe & Kempe (1984) found that the median age was between 9 & 10 years old.
Herman & Hirschman’s (1977) study found that between 6 & 9 was a common age for the abuse to start.
There are however, many reported cases where the child was under the age of 6 and even as young as a few months old.
Age of the abuser
Evidence on the age of abusers comes from figures of convicted offenders and the accounts of survivors themselves. In most cases the abuser is at least 10 years old than the child. In relation to abuse by brothers and cousins, the age difference is often less, but the perpetrator is usually at or past puberty when the abuse starts (O’Brien 1991).
Multiple abusers
Some children are abused by several adults, including a number of family members and other adults known to the family. This can include “religious groups” resulting in ritual abuse or “clubs” specifically set up to abuse children.
Adapted from “Surviving Child Sexual Abuse” (Hall & Lloyd)
Suggested Reading List for Survivors
Ainscough, Carolyn & Toon, Kay Breaking Free (2000) Sheldon
A manual designed to help survivors of child sexual abuse. It investigates the effects of child sexual abuse which often persist into adult life, and draws on accounts of survivors who want their voices to be heard. It offers an optimistic approach to help survivors break free from the past.
ISBN: 0859698106
Angelou, Maya I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (1984) Virago
This is the first of Maya Angelou's five volumes of autobiography, in which she evokes her childhood with her grandmother in the American south of the 1930's. She learns the power of a white skin and suffers the trauma of rape by her mother's lover.
ISBN: 086068511X
Bass, Ellen & Davis, Laura. Beginning to Heal (1999) Vermilion
This work aims to offer hope, support and guidance by taking the reader through the journey of healing, from remembering and crisis times, to breaking the silence, grief and anger, to resolution and moving on. Survivors talk about their pain, strength, and how to make it every day.
ISBN: 0091823382
Bass, Ellen & Davis, Laura The Courage to Heal (1992) Hutchinson
Aimed at women who have been victims of sexual abuse as children, this book offers advice on coming to terms with the past while moving positively into the future, and provides an explanation of the healing process, first-person accounts of recovery, and practical suggestions.
ISBN: 0749309385
Davis, Laura Allies in Healing (1993) HarperPerennial
Focusing on people who were sexually abused as children, and based on interviews and her workshops for partners across the country, Laura Davis offers practical advice and encouragement to all partners.
ISBN: 0060968834
Davis, Laura The Courage to Heal Workbook (1990) HarperPerennial
Laura Davis offers an inspiring, in-depth workbook that speaks to all women and men healing from the effects of child sexual abuse. The combination of checklists, writing and art projects, open-ended questions and activities expertly guides the survivor through the healing process. Includes survival skills, aspects of healing and guidelines for healing sexually.
ISBN: 0060964375
Hall, Liz & Lloyd, Siobhan Surviving Child Sexual Abuse (1993) RoutledgePalmer
This is the second edition of a handbook for survivors of child sexual abuse and their supporters, featuring added material on the acknowledgement of survivors' strengths, the effect of sexual abuse on adult female sexuality and therapeutic themes.
ISBN: 0750701536
Parks, Penny Rescuing the "Inner Child" – Therapy for Adults Sexually Abused as Children (1994) Souvenir Press Ltd
In this important book Penny Parks describes her techniques for ‘Inner Child’ Therapy. Her aim is to get through to the hurt child at the adult’s core. Throughout the book her clients contribute their own experiences, not only of the past, but of the process of the therapy and restoration. This book lays bare the full scale of the lasting trauma that is inflicted and provides practical and sympathetic techniques to heal the wounds.
ISBN: 0285650890
Hay, Louise L You Can Heal Your Life (1995) Eden Grove Editions
With an expanded version of 'The List' and an enlarged edition of the appendixes, this reprint provides Louise L Hay's positive philosophies on life. Offering practical steps for dissolving both the fears and the causations of diseases, it shares her firsthand experiences about healing.
ISBN: 1870845013
Please note: some of these books are unavailable in high street book stores and need to be ordered over the internet. We have provided as many details about the books as we could to ensure that ordering any book is as easy as possible. If you would like to order a book through us please do not hesitate to contact the office on 01905 611655.