Useful information for Professionals, Friends & Supporters of Survivors
Every person’s reaction to rape and sexual abuse will be different, and there are no rules setting out exactly how to respond when receiving a disclosure. Below are some suggestions that may enable a person to talk about their experience, how they are feeling and to seek further help if appropriate.
Remember, they have chosen to speak to you because they trust you and feel safe with you, so just be yourself, don’t try to be an expert.
Listen
When an individual talks of rape or abuse for the first time they may speak in a casual manner and provide very little detail. They are exploring how it feels to talk about their experience and how others will react. To enable the person to continue with the disclosure:
- Allow them to feel in control and talk at their own pace
- Allow them to openly express their feelings
- Avoid pushing for details and asking direct questions
Recognise Harm Done
Rape or sexual abuse is possibly the most degrading act that a person can experience. When receiving a disclosure the listener should accept the impact it has had on all areas of an individual’s life, the time spent coping and how they feel now. Recognition can be displayed by:
- Showing empathy and understanding
- Being attentive
Convey Belief
The person may experience disbelief and shock about what happened to them. They may also fear that others will not believe what happened. To convey genuine belief:
- Accept what happened and the way they feel
- Do not dispute what they tell you
- Devote your full attention to the individual
Recognise Strength and Courage
Appreciate that the person has shown courage in disclosing the rape and strength in surviving since the experience.
Recognise that coping strategies, even though they may appear harmful, have helped the individual survive.
Be Non-Judgemental
Negative judgements may be made about the survivor by themselves and those around them. It is important that these are not reinforced by the person receiving the disclosure. The listener needs to:
- Avoid viewing the victim’s character and actions negatively
- Avoid judging the perpetrator negatively as they may be known and viewed positively by the victim, which will contradict the victim’s judgement
- Recognise they have coped in whatever ways were available to them
Let them Retain Control
Rape and abuse takes away a person’s control and they are forced to participate in events against their will. It is important that they are given full control over their disclosure and what happens next. This can be done by:
- Allowing them to speak at their own pace
- Allowing them to make decisions for themselves
- Giving choices to them, not advice
Be Clear About Boundaries
Do not offer support that you are not qualified or confident to provide
Do not make promises you cannot keep
Respect the individual’s right to confidentiality, but be clear about the limitations and make it clear when disclosures must be made (eg If there are current child protection issues)
Provide Information
It is important that information is provided at the person’s request rather than overwhelming them. Information that may be helpful includes:
- Information about CRASAC and the services we provide.
- Information on other agencies/services that may be of benefit to them.
Afterwards
Check the individual is OK but allow them the space and time to heal.
Sensitively raise the issue again if you learn of new information or services that may be helpful.
Be clear about whether you are able to offer further support yourself.
Obtain support for yourself - from a good friend, family member and / or a supporting organisation. WRSASC provides support to family and friends of a survivor. Calls to our Helpline for support are always welcome, and regular support can be arranged if required.
Due to the nature of the service we provide, we are sadly unable to offer face-to-face support for male friends and family at this time. However we are happy to provide regular telephone support.
Face-to-face or telephone support can be provided on a regular basis for one hour at a time, at dates and times to suit both you and the volunteer supporting you.
Emotional states and reactions
If you are with someone who needs to talk and you are willing to listen then you may find yourself entering an Interviewer's role. This is a time when you need to think about your own reactions and your assumptions about the person in front of you. This advice may also be useful to professional people directly or indirectly associated with dealing with survivors of traumatic events...
One of the most confusing things about dealing with disclosures of abuse are the wide range of emotional reactions or presenting emotional states, and it can be easy to interpret them as a sign of 'truthfulness' or 'trauma’ / ‘damage’. The person who feels able to make light of their experiences can be suffering as much as the person who cannot speak for crying. If the person opposite you presents as being in total control, or not concerned about themselves, this may be because it is the only way they can cope. Not because they are not hurting.
Suffering abuse as a child or as an adult can cause great distress and difficulties, and will have a long-lasting impact on the survivor's life. This does not mean they are hopeless or 'damaged beyond repair’. Often survivors develop into strong, competent individuals as a result of finding ways of surviving their horrendous experiences.
Although there are common effects, and common methods of coping, they are not limited. There are as many effects and coping strategies as there are individual survivors, so it is not possible to assume or stereotype. Some of the common factors are detailed below;
Feelings
Confused
Upset and distressed
Powerless
Shame
Helpless
Sadness
Terrified
Grief
Anxious
Guilt
Isolated
Betrayed
Lost
Abandoned
Despairing
Depressed
Angry (at others or self)
Post Trauma experiences / effects
Flashbacks – re-living sights, smells, physical or emotional feelings, sounds or total recall of the abuse as if it were happening in the present
Poor sleep patterns / inability to sleep - nightmares / terrors, anxiety, insomnia
Fear - of anything which is associated with, or reminds the victim of the abuse, i.e. noises, darkness, medical examinations, or fear of the abuser's and others' reactions to disclosure
Hyper-alertness, anxiety and / or tension - panic attacks, raised heartbeat, perceptual disturbances (seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling or tasting something which is not actually perceivable by others, i.e. a threatening figure out of the corner of your eye), distrust of others, situations etc.
Self image / concept
Low self-esteem
Difficulty in recognising and meeting own needs
Difficulty in asking for / accepting anything from others
Self-neglect, lack of self protection or increased risk taking
Lack of confidence and possible under-achievement
Increased vulnerability, especially to further abuse
Self-injury or self-punishment
Coping strategies
Denying trauma happened, or full extent of trauma, or denying impact on self and distress suffered
Forgetting the abuse or whole sections of time - totally or partially
Dissociation - cutting self off from the awareness of what happened / reactions, often demonstrated as telling things in the 'third person'
Self-blame - seeing the abuse as own fault can minimise the pain of being betrayed, badly treated etc.
Risk taking - not valuing self or own life
Substance / alcohol abuse - to control/suppress memories, feelings etc
Eating problems – to gain some control in their own life, to gain a sense of 'power', to purge in order to try to feel clean, maybe to change or punish the body they feel ashamed of
Self-injury – as above, also using physical pain to block emotional pain
Compulsive behaviours – to gain control in their own life
The effect of these many coping strategies, combined with the individual's own personal experiences during and after the abuse will impact on upon how they appear when talking to you. Additionally the way they appear may well change as a coping strategy proves to be inadequate to cope with this new situation, or is overcome.
It is important to allow the survivor to dictate the pace of telling you their story, to allow them the space to express emotions, or to control their emotions. Basically let their behaviour and emotional state be used by them to help them through this time, and do not try to gauge the effects the abuse has had on them from these signs.
The individual being totally controlled and matter of fact can well indicate huge emotional distress and a need to retain a high level of control over their own emotions, rather than them not being too distressed or affected by the abuse. Talking in the third person may provide a stronger barrier against the devastating emotions, and provide the strength needed to carry on. Crying continuously, swearing, shouting or expressing strong emotions may be a much needed emotional release, and an important tool needed to enable the survivor to carry on talking.
It is important not to try to remove coping strategies, the survivor must have complete control of their decisions throughout the healing process. Experiencing rape or sexual abuse can create strong feelings of powerlessness, and coping strategies provide a level of control allowing the survivor to feel able to function. Therefore they must overcome these strategies when they are ready.
There are services both locally and nationally who will provide specialist advice and support on all coping strategies both for individuals and their supporters. See our list of Other Services or contact us for more information.